Formula None
by Evil Dr. Reef
Summary: After a conversation with their dad, Phineas and Ferb decide to test the limits of Formula-style racing with their own custom track. Meanwhile, Dr. Doofenshmirtz builds a Decaffeinator-inator to corner the market on high priced coffee shop beverages.


_Disclaimer and Notes:_

_I don't own the characters/universe the story is set in, etc._

_Heaven only knows what possessed me to write a fanfic after somewhere in the vicinity of eight years. In a lot of ways I'm amused with myself just for making the effort. In a lot of other ways I'm concerned that people will use this as a springboard to go and read my horrible 8+ years ago other stories (please don't; I was in middle school)._

_Whatever the case, since I've gone through all the effort, please enjoy this story. It's nothing out of the ordinary-basically my attempt at writing a typical episode using ideas I was kicking around. No angst or shipping or original characters. Not that there's anything wrong with that; it's just not what I was going for._

_So without further ado, here it is. If you like it, let me know! If you didn't, I do apologize and thanks for stopping by anyway!_

* * *

Phineas led the way down the stairs into the living room. Ferb followed dutifully behind as his brother explained, "And that's why next time we need to make sure there are no iron particles in the fusion reactor." They both came to a halt at the bottom and looked at their father, who was sitting on the couch and watching something on television. "Oh, hey dad. What's up?"

Lawrence Fletcher looked up from the screen and smiled. "Ah, there you are boys! I didn't _think_ I heard you get up yet. Sleeping kind of late, aren't you?"

"We were up late last night charting the position of all the stars in a 2000 light-year radius that might go supernova in our lifetimes," Phineas replied. "My money's on Antares, but Ferb's feeling Betelgeuse, aren't you?" He looked to his brother who simply gave a thumbs up.

"How very interesting," Lawrence replied, rubbing his chin. "I've always fancied the cosmos myself. I might have to sneak a peek at your notes later. I might learn something."

"How about you, dad? What are you watching?"

Lawrence's attention turned back to the television. "Ah yes, that's right. I was watching a little bit of motorsport before I took your mother to her doctor's appointment. Now, I'm not into cars as much as you two, but I've always tried to keep my eye on the British Grand Prix, for obvious reasons of course." He let out a chuckle and patted the couch next to him. "Why don't you boys sit down and I'll tell you about it."

Phineas smiled. "Sure!" The two brothers sat down, and Lawrence turned the volume down slightly.

"You see, boys, these cars are designed to be very aerodynamic. And with how fast they go, all that air whooshing past them actually pushes them down onto the road, so they can go incredibly fast around tight corners without sliding off the track." He pointed to the television. "They say those cars are pushed so hard onto the road that they could drive upside down. Of course, no one's ever been brave enough to prove it," he added with a laugh.

"Really…?" Phineas scratched his chin. "Hmm… Ferb? I know what we're going to do today!"

Lawrence watched as the two boys hopped off the couch and headed towards the sliding doors to the backyard. "Oh? You're done already? I was just getting to the part where they turn left AND right."

"Thanks dad!" Phineas called. "We'll keep that in mind!" The two boys slid the door shut behind them, and Lawrence turned back to the television. He noticed his wife standing in the kitchen doorway and smiled.

"Yes dear?"

Linda glared at him. She was leaning on a crutch with her right foot wrapped up to keep it from moving. "Well, my original plan was to go get this sprained ankle checked out at the doctor, but if you're in the middle of something I guess I can take another fist full of aspirin and lie down."

"Oh, is it time already," Lawrence asked with a nervous chuckle, making a show of looking at his watch. "Let me just get the keys."

"Now that that's settled…" Linda turned and looked up the stairs. "Candace! Could you come here for a minute?"

* * *

Candace, meanwhile, was lying on her bed, phone pressed dutifully to her ear. "Sorry Jeremy, I've got to stick around the house today. My mom's got a doctor's appointment and I need to keep an eye on the walking disasters." She paused, hearing her mother shouting from downstairs. "Oop, gotta go. Mom's calling. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye!"

The teenage girl slipped her phone into her back pocket and sprinted from the room. "Coming, coming!" She reached the top of the stairs and took the first step badly, losing her balance but just barely catching herself as she hit the next step. Her remaining descent involved a carefully improvised and completely uncontrolled dance from one step to the next.

When she reached the bottom of the steps and realized she had not in fact fallen down them, she let out a breath and slumped against the wall.

Linda raised an eyebrow. "What was that about?"

"I… I was just… showing you what you'll be able to do once your ankle's all better!" Candace lied.

"Uh huh…" her mother replied.

"Anyway, what'd you want?"

"Your father and I are leaving," Linda explained. "Make sure everything runs smoothly here. Your brothers are playing in the back yard, and since I'll be incapacitated you won't be able to drag me home do bust them. Not that that's ever stopped you before…"

"But mom! What if they build a genetics lab and bioengineer an alligator/crocodile hybrid!?"

"You'll just have to be responsible enough to make sure they don't- wait a minute. Why would anyone waste time doing that?"

"I don't know, mom! That's not the point!"

Linda began scratching her head. "And who would even think to combine the two. They're already so similar to begin with, and-"

"Mom. Focus." Candace took her two fingers and flipped them back and forth between her eyes and her mother's.

"Anyway," Linda continued, "I expect you to take care of everything. No panicked phone calls and no bursting into the doctor's office waving your arms wildly. You'll scare the people in the waiting room. That's why I had to switch over to Dr. Hugh in the first place."

Candace saluted. "Got it!"

Lawrence poked his head back into the living room. "I'm ready to go now. The keys were in the toaster. Of all the blasted places…" He shook his head and smiled. "Anyway, let me help you to the car, my dear."

"Thank you, honey," Linda replied. She looked back at Candace over her shoulder as Lawrence led her away. "Remember, Candace. No wild stories. You've got to take care of things here today."

"Aye aye," Candace replied. Her parents walked out the front door, with Lawrence waving to his daughter as he closed the door behind them. As soon as they were out of sight, Candace reached behind the sofa and pulled out a camouflage helmet and plopped it onto her head. "Okay, Phineas and Ferb. Today's the day."

Candace heard the sound of power tools, so she reached behind the couch and grabbed a pair of binoculars as well. She threw the strap over her head and slid onto the couch. "What are they up to now?"

* * *

Outside, Phineas was testing a pneumatic air gun. He pointed it playfully at Perry and squeezed the trigger, spinning the hex bolt head and letting out a blast of air at the platypus. "That's great! It goes a lot faster when you pump helium through it. Good idea, Ferb!" He set it on the ground next to Perry, who walked away disinterestedly. "The world record for the fastest pit stop is 2.31 seconds. Do you think we can beat it?"

Ferb looked out from behind a drafting table and nodded.

"Let's see… if we put the pit complex here near the tree, we should have enough space for a… three mile circuit. Does that sound good enough?"

Once again, Ferb simply nodded his agreement.

"What are you working on over there, anyway?" Phineas walked around the table to his brother's side. "Oh! You're designing the cars! What've you got here?" He scanned the blueprints thoroughly. "Not bad! Do you want to finish up with the cars while I handle designing the circuit?"

Before Ferb could reply, the fence opened and Isabella, Buford, and Baljeet walked in. Isabella made a beeline for Phineas and smiled. "Hey Phineas. What'cha doin'?" she asked, fluttering her eyelashes and clasping her hands in front of her.

"Oh, hi Isabella. We're building cars and a racing circuit to see whether or not you can really drive a Formula-style race car upside down."

Buford raised an eyebrow. "Didn't youse guys already do that whole racing thing before?"

Phineas nodded. "Yeah, but this time we're designing our own custom cars and circuit." He leaned in closely for dramatic effect. "It's going to have left AND right turns."

"Oooooh," everyone cooed.

"Would you like any help?" Baljeet asked. "I brought my graphing calculator!" He pulled the calculator out of his pocket and waved it excitedly in Phineas's face. "Please let me help! I've always wanted to design a race car! They're a perfect combination of machinery and beauty—a feat of engineering that most people dream about!" He appeared to be ready to continue his rant, but Buford picked him up by the elastic of his underwear and he stopped abruptly.

"Sorry," Buford stated. "When I went to give him his morning noogie he was starting up like that, but with some guy jumping out of an outer space balloon thing, and I…" he paused and shook his head, "…I just couldn't handle that again."

"Well, right now Ferb's working on the car. If you wanna help him out I'm sure he'd appreciate it," Phineas explained. Buford dropped Baljeet unceremoniously to the ground. The Indian boy stood, straightened himself out, then sprinted over to Ferb with a grin on his face. "The rest of us can work on building the circuit. What do you all say?"

"Sure, whatever," Buford grunted. "As long as I get to drive one later. I can be the Michael Schumacher of racing!"

"I'll help too, Phineas," Isabella added with a smile.

"Great!" Phineas replied with a smile of his own. "I've got the circuit mapped out, so now all we need to do is wait for the asphalt trucks and the parts to build the pit robots."

Isabella tilted her head. "Pit robots?"

Phineas lead her and Buford towards a few papers strewn across the yard. "Yeah. These kinds of cars don't get extra fuel during the race, so all they need to do during a pit stop is change their tires." He picked one of his pages up and held it in front of Isabella. "See, if we build these scaffolds and add these robotic arms here and here, we can have the tires changed and the car out on track again in just about two seconds."

"Wow…" Isabella murmured. "So you won't need the Fireside Girls for a pit crew again?"

"No, but feel free to invite them over anyway. We might need the extra help building everything. Besides, it's more fun when we have more cars on track! Maybe even Perry can join us, though I don't see that happening." Phineas laughed, then looked around the yard. "Hey. Where IS Perry?"

* * *

Perry the Platypus had tiptoed around the far side of the house. With a glance over his shoulder, he made sure he hadn't been seen then plopped a fedora onto his head. Luckily at that instant, Candace burst into the back yard and began interrogating her siblings, so Perry was confident that he would be able to slip away unnoticed.

He made his way to the dryer vent on the side of the house and rotated it upwards, revealing a secret tunnel inside. Getting a running start, Perry dove into the small opening, getting stuck just about halfway through. After kicking his legs in the air in vain, he finally managed to pull himself inside using his arms. Once his whole body was in, the dryer vent flipped itself closed once again.

* * *

Down below in Perry's secret hideout, Major Monogram was fiddling with his moustache on screen. He looked somewhat uncomfortable. "Carl, what do you think of this new moustache wax?"

"It looks fine to me, sir," Carl replied from off screen.

"It's just…" Major Monogram started. "Well, my wife bought it on sale at the dollar store, and I don't know. It doesn't seem to bring out the natural shine."

"Maybe you should start using shampoo."

Major Monogram's brow furrowed. "What, you think I don't clean my moustache?"

"Well, you've had that glob of pasta sauce stuck in it for the last week," Carl replied hesitantly.

"My word!" The Major took out a pocket mirror and began scrutinizing his face. "Why didn't you say anything!?"

"I thought you knew, sir. I mean, you're always looking at yourself in the mirror."

"I don't even know what to say to you right now," Major Monogram muttered. He looked harder in the mirror, then briefly at the camera, at which point he noticed Perry the Platypus sitting in his chair awaiting his orders. "Oh! Agent P! I, uh, you're early!"

Perry raised an eyebrow.

"Um, so, right." Major Monogram looked awkwardly to his left, then slid the mirror off to his right. He cleared his throat and continued. "Anyway, Doofenshmirtz has been spending an awful lot of time at his abandoned coffee house. We're not sure what he's doing, but when Doofenshmirtz is involved you can be sure that trouble is brewing. Go check it out, Agent P!"

Perry saluted and scurried across the room to his hover car. Within seconds, the car shot out of a secret opening in the ceiling and was gone. When the opening closed again, Major Monogram looked over at Carl. "See what I did there? Coffee house? Trouble brewing?" He chuckled and walked off camera. "I'm going to go take care of this moustache situation. If my wife calls, tell her to start buying me brand names."

* * *

Back in the yard, Candace was throwing a fit as the asphalt for the race circuit was delivered. "What on EARTH are you doing!? You can't just pave over the back yard!"

Phineas smiled at his older sister. "Don't worry, we have the foundation raised. That way the race track won't kill the grass."

"Just… You can't do that!"

"Sure we can!" her brother replied enthusiastically. "We have all the materials we need, and I tested the integrity of the soil so I know for sure there won't be any subsidence where the foundation meets the ground."

"That's not what I meant!" Candace replied, her tone stern. "Listen, half-pint! Mom left me in charge here today! And that means you have to do whatever I-"

"Hey Candace."

Candace froze and slowly turned around, coming face to face with Jeremy Johnson. "J- J- J- J-"

"Jeremy," he finished for her.

"What are you doing here?" Candace squeaked.

Jeremy slipped his hands into his pockets and shrugged. "I figured since you couldn't come to the mall with me, I'd come over here and hang out with you while you kept an eye on Phineas and Ferb." He looked down at Phineas, who had started tinkering with a robotic arm once Candace had become distracted. "So what's the big project today, little man?"

"We're building a race track," Phineas explained. "And Ferb's working on the cars." He gestured towards Ferb and Baljeet, who were in the process of fitting a large rear spoiler onto a small Formula-style racing car. "Wow! Lookin' good, guys!"

Ferb let go of the rear spoiler and waved back, and Baljeet nearly dropped it as its weight shifted.

"Hey Jeremy, do you want to join us in the first annual Formula PF Danville Grand Prix?" Phineas asked excitedly. "We're doing teams of two cars each, and you can be on Candace's team!"

Candace put her hands on her hips. "Oh? And what makes you think you'll be able to drag me into one of those death traps?"

"Sure, sounds like fun," Jeremy replied, either ignoring or not hearing Candace.

"Cool!" Phineas shouted. "What do you say, Candace? There's still a seat open on Jeremy's team. You sure you don't want to give it a try?"

"I- I- I-"

Jeremy grabbed her arm enthusiastically. "Come on, Candace. It'll be fun."

"I- I- I-"

"Great!" Phineas pointed towards Ferb and Baljeet. "Those two should be just about done with the prototype car. They might need help testing it out, especially since we had to install an engine that runs when the car's upside down."

Candace snapped back to reality. "Upside down!?"

"Sounds like fun!" Jeremy replied. "Come on, Candace. Let's see what they need."

She sighed and shook her head. "How does this keep happening to me?"

* * *

_Doofenshmirtz Abandoned Coffee House_

Perry the Platypus crashed through the ceiling of the small building on the north end of Danville. Just as he was about to hit the floor, it opened beneath him, revealing a large paper cup set into the floor. The platypus fell into the cup before he could react, and a large plastic lid descended from above, snapping shut over the cup and leaving Perry's head sticking out of the drinking tab on the side, which had been partially bent back for his comfort.

"Ah, Perry the Platypus," said the evil Dr. Doofenshmirtz. He stepped from the shadows and spread his arms dramatically. "How completely unpredictable of you. And by "completely unpredictable" I of course mean COMPLETELY DICTABLE!"

Perry rolled his eyes and started looking around. He noticed the giant, fifteen foot tall cappuccino machine sitting in the middle of the floor. When Doofenshmirtz caught on that Perry had seen it, he grinned. "You like it? It's my newest creation—the Decaffeinator-inator!" The evil scientist proceeded to pull a small tape player from his lab coat and pressed play. Thunder sounded from the speakers, adding a theatrical flair to his speech.

Without making a noise, Perry narrowed his eyes skeptically.

"Yes, I know you're not easily impressed, Perry the Platypus." Doofenshmirtz smiled and walked over to his nemesis. "But with this, I finally have the power to take over the entire TRI-STATE AREA!" He paused and pressed play on the tape again, letting out another peal of thunder.

He paused and looked at the platypus. When he showed no reaction, Doofenshmirtz threw the tape recorder over his shoulder. "Okay, fine. Let's cut to the chase. Let's get down to business. Let's move along. Let's get down to brass tacks. Let's-"

This time Perry chattered to get the evil doctor's attention, and Doofenshmirtz held up his hands. "Right. Sorry. I got caught on a tangent there. I've been drinking a lot of coffee lately because of this scheme and it's really been harshing my evil mellow. I've also had to go to the bathroom a lot more frequently, but that's neither here nor there."

Perry hung his head and sighed.

Doofenshmirtz laughed awkwardly and rubbed the back of his neck. "Oh, I'm doing it again, aren't I? Right. Sorry, Perry the Platypus. It's all the caffeine. Which brings me back… to the Decaffeinator-inator!" He moved back towards the giant cappuccino machine and placed his hand on its side.

"You see, Perry the Platypus, people have become so reliant on coffee as part of their morning routine that they can barely crawl out of bed in the morning without that first cup. Without that shot of caffeine, they'd be mindless, droning zombies without a sense of purpose or control!"

Perry started to see the direction that Doofenshmirtz was taking with his plan and leaned his head forward intently.

"With the Decaffeinator-inator, I will remove the caffeine from every coffee bean in the Tri-State Area! People will be so tired when they wake up in the morning that they won't even remember the names of their kids! And they'll forget to wear pants to work! And they'll accidentally ask out that one girl with the big wart on her nose who always leaves cute notes on their desk where she signs her name with the little heart over the lowercase I, and she means well, but, I mean, she has that wart and-"

Perry's chatter brought the doctor out of his caffeine-induced ramblings once again.

"Oh, sorry. Anyway, once everyone becomes exhausted zombies, I'll open a brand new coffee house chain!" He paused for dramatic effect, and Perry stared at him with a skeptical expression. "What? It's foolproof! Doofenbucks™ will be the only coffee chain left in town, and I'll make a fortune charging five dollars a cup!"

Perry let his head fall and banged it off the rim of the giant cup in frustration.

"Oh come on!" He crossed his arms angrily. "Without my chain of coffee shops, the entire Tri-State Area will come to a grinding halt! I'll be the de facto ruler of the entire region!"

Perry banged his head off the rim of the cup again.

"Fine! Who cares what you think anyway? We'll see who's laughing when the entire Tri-State Area is brought to its knees!" He pulled a lever on the side of the Decaffeinator-inator, and it started to make a loud noise. Perry gritted his teeth, not knowing what to expect next.

* * *

"Wow! Everything looks perfect!" Phineas declared. He took a step back and looked at their handiwork. In just over an hour, he and his friends had constructed a rollercoaster-esque racetrack complete with loop-de-loops, corkscrews, and a few high speed turns that would test the abilities of the drivers as well as the cars. The track looked impressive against the background, with a large gray blimp circling the track for added effect.

Phineas led the group, which now consisted of Ferb, his three best friends, Candace, Jeremy, and the Fireside Girls, to a large chart that had been pinned to the fence. "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Autodromo Phineas e Ferb!" He gestured excitedly towards the paper, which was a large map of the track.

"Why'd you name it in Italian?" Buford asked.

"It just seemed like the right thing to do," Phineas replied with a smile. "Anyway, take a look at the circuit here. Here's the starting line," he stated, using a laser pointer to highlight a long straight at the bottom of the map. "From there you'll go into the first turn, which is a quick right and left."

"Wow, your brothers really took that "Formula cars turn left AND right" thing to heart, didn't they?" Jeremy whispered to Candace. The teenage girl just muttered to herself.

"After that, we'll be going around a wide right hand turn. Be especially careful because the turn is banked up at a 90-degree angle. You need to be going pretty fast to stay on the ground there." Phineas moved the laser beam up the circuit. "Next we come to the loop, so make sure your speed is somewhere above 200 miles per hour. If it's not, you might fall right off." He modeled this by taking his flattened hand, guiding it up an invisible loop-de-loop, then having it fall right off and onto his other hand, clapping loudly in the process.

Candace scowled. "And what happens if we're not going fast enough and we fall? Someone could get hurt, you know!"

Phineas smiled and took a step to his left and gestured for Ferb to go to the table. "Not to worry, Candace. We've built our helmets with the latest safety features. Ferb, if you would care to demonstrate?"

The quieter brother took one of the helmets and put it on his head. Once it was secure he began sprinting towards the tree, his head bowed slightly forward. Everyone tensed as he approached, but before Ferb could hit, a large pink bubble enveloped him and he bounced harmlessly off. After bouncing a few more times, he rolled to a stop next to Phineas.

"Lookin' good, Ferb!" Phineas stated. He took the opposite end of the laser pointer and popped the pink bubble. "Ferb designed your helmets to inflate a protective air bubble in the event of an emergency. You'll all be perfectly safe as long as you keep your helmets on."

Phineas turned his attention back to the map. "Anyway, after the loop there's another quick left/right turn. Then comes the fun part. You'll be driving around a banked right hand corner again, then into a long straight with another loop, followed by a corkscrew, followed by a segment of the track where you're driving upside down. Make sure you have a lot of speed going through here or you'll crash!"

"Maybe I can use the smoking wreckage of twelve cars to bust the boys," Candace said quietly to herself."

Jeremy leaned in close to his girlfriend. "Did you say something?"

"Oh, no, nothing," Candace replied. She commenced a string of creepy laughter, and Jeremy raised an eyebrow at her. Candace noticed this and waved her hands in front of her. "Nothing at all!"

"Right…"

Phineas was concluding his explanation. "After that, there will be one final twist, then around the bend here and onto the start/finish straight. If you need to pit, you can come in right here." He aimed his laser pointer at the start again. "Any questions?"

Gretchen raised her hand. "Didn't you say we'd be splitting up into teams?"

Phineas nodded. "That's right! Twelve of us are going to be racing, so we have a nice even number."

"But there are thirteen of us here," Isabella noted. "Who's sitting out?"

Baljeet clasped his hands in front of his chest. "I'll be in the race control booth monitoring EVERYTHING! I'll get to see how fast everyone's going and your positions on the track and your lap times! There'll be numbers galore, and I'll get to crunch them all!" He began to laugh maniacally, and everyone decided it was best to tune him out.

Phineas grabbed a helmet and began strapping it around his chin. "If there are no further questions, I think our teams will be me and Ferb, Buford and Isabella, Candace and Jeremy, Adyson and Ginger, Gretchen and Holly, and Katie and Molly."

"What? I gotta be on a girl's team?" Buford protested.

Isabella scowled. "What was that?"

"I mean no offense, of course," Buford continued. "But you know I'm at that age. Girls are icky for another three years. Nothing personal." He looked up at Phineas. "Trade me your partner."

"Uh, you'd have to ask Ferb on that one…" Phineas looked to his brother, who shrugged. Ferb then grabbed a helmet and tossed it to Buford, then picked up the matching helmet from the table and began to strap it on his own head. "Whelp, guess you're on my team now, Isabella."

"I won't let you down, Phineas!" she squeaked excitedly.

"I know you won't!" He smiled and looked out over the small crowd. "If there's nothing else, I think we're ready!" Everyone rushed forward to grab a helmet, and Candace leaned in close to her brother.

"This time I've got you for sure, Phineas," she warned.

"I don't know, Candace," Phineas replied. "I know you're good at parallel parking, but I think I did pretty well at the Swamp Oil 500 if I do say so myself." He mimicked filing his nails on his shirt and smiled self-assuredly.

"That's not what I meant!"

"Oh?" Phineas looked at her expectantly.

"I mean I'm going to tell mom and dad what you're doing!"

Phineas smiled and handed Candace her helmet. "I can't wait to show dad! This was all his idea anyway!" He started to walk towards the cars, which were sitting at the starting line waiting for their drivers. "Good luck, Candace!"

Candace ground her teeth. "How does he DO that!?"

Jeremy sidled up next to her and grabbed his helmet. "Do what?"

"How can he be so brilliant and so dense at the same time?" She angrily yanked the strap down around her neck and clicked them together, pinching her chin in the process. "Ow! See? That's exactly what I mean!"

Jeremy looked at her questioningly.

"How can Phineas and Ferb build a race track and a dozen cars in the back yard in an hour and a half but not invent a helmet strap that doesn't pinch your chin when you put it on!?" She growled in frustration and stomped towards her car.

"I don't think they do it on purpose," Jeremy soothed. "I'm sure it's just one of those things that fell through the cracks today."

"Well I'll just have to beat them out on the track. Then I'm gonna bust them when mom and dad get home! We'll see who has the last laugh!" She slid into the car and then turned to Jeremy as he did the same. "Spoiler alert: it'll be me! Hahahahahahahahahah!" Jeremy sighed and shook his head, half in amusement, half in concern.

"Ladies and gentlemen and Buford," Baljeet called from the booth. "Feel free to start your engines at any time!" The sound of twelve V8 engines roaring to life drowned out whatever else Baljeet had planned to say. He switched over to the radio system installed in each helmet. "The race begins when the lights go out. Good luck, everyone!"

Everyone stared at the five lights above the track. One by one, each of the lights lit up red. The drivers tensed, each waiting for all five to light, then go out again. After what seemed an eternity, the last light came on, then all of them went out simultaneously. With that, the cars roared down the first straight.

* * *

Doofenshmirtz was dancing around the Decaffeinator-inator as it continued to sputter and rumble. "Yes! Yes! There is nothing you can do to stop me now, Perry the Platypus! Soon every coffee bean in the Tri-State Area will be decaf!"

As the evil scientist continued his excited ramblings, Perry was slowly pushing the sipping tab back on the cup. Being made of plastic, the lid gave just enough that he was able to squeeze out of his trap. With one mighty leap, he left the cup and landed in front of Dr. Doofenshmirtz.

"Perry the Platypus!? How did you get out!?" He looked over at the torn tab and stomped his foot. "I should have known! Those tabs tear so easily! Well you're too late-" Doofenshmirtz was cut off as Perry delivered an uppercut, causing him to stumble backwards.

"Fine! If that's the way you want it! Have at you, Perry the Platypus!" Doofenshmirtz got into a sloppy fighting stance and kept an eye on his nemesis as he scurried across the floor. Perry came from the left, jumping into the air and delivering a devastating spinning kick to the evil doctor.

Doofenshmirtz stumbled backwards, landing directly under the spout on the Decaffeinator-inator. His head struck the dispensing lever underneath the spout, and a white liquid began to pour out directly on his face. After coughing and spluttering for a few seconds, he was finally able to sit up and get his head off the switch. He stood up and took a deep breath.

"Wow. That was pure liquid caffeine. Just pouring right out of there. Right in my mouth. Huh. Hey, Perry the Platypus?"

The blue mammal cocked his head to the side.

"Did you ever see that movie where the robots took over the world and everyone was kung fu fighting in slow motion?" Doofenshmirtz's head snapped towards Perry, causing the secret agent to take a step backwards in surprise. "I think… I think I might be able to do that now."

Perry started to look a bit nervous, and Doofenshmirtz ran at him with inhuman speed. "Hyah!" he shouted, punching at Perry with all his might. The secret agent was just able to roll to the side, but with each movement that Doofenshmirtz made he became a little more concerned. Doofenshmirtz was moving faster than Perry had ever seen him do before, and each punch and kick came a little closer to connecting.

"You can't keep running forever, Perry the Platypus!" Doofenshmirtz taunted. "You may be small, but I just drank the equivalent of six hundred cups of coffee!" Perry decided to rethink his strategy and ran into the back room of the abandoned coffee house. "Hey, come back here! I haven't hit you yet!" He followed his nemesis, sprinting faster than most humans could ever hope to achieve.

* * *

Ferb had taken the lead early in the race, with Ginger and Katie of the Fireside Girls not far behind. The rest of the cars were a few seconds behind but bunched up in a pack. Buford was the one holding them back, but he was doing a very good job of blocking all attempts at passing.

Baljeet was having the time of his life in race control. He was feeding information to each of the drivers through the radio system, and his hands were a blur as he switched between each headset one at a time. "Adyson, Jeremy is less than a second behind," he said, then reached and switched to a different frequency. "Candace, your lap times are dropping. You might need new tires soon." He hit another switch and said, "Okay, so Isabella, Phineas is faster than you. Can you confirm you understood that message?"

"Are you telling me to let him pass?" Isabella replied, slightly irritated.

"No! What kind of jerk would do that?" Baljeet looked over the data again. "I think he's going to try to pass you on the upside down straight. Remember, you're teammates. Don't wreck into each other."

"Well I'm not going to make it easy for him."

Baljeet switched over to the on-track cameras and watched as Phineas slotted his car in to the left of Isabella's. She couldn't block him without forcing him off the road, but she had the advantage as the two rounded the turn at the end of the straight. Getting a quick exit, she was able to keep her teammate behind and maintain her position.

Candace, meanwhile, pulled into the pit lane and came to a stop in her team's designated box. A red light descended from above, and Candace narrowed her eyes as she focused all her energies on that light. Four arms reached down from a scaffold and unscrewed the bolt on each tire, then four new arms pulled away the used tires while an additional four arms placed the new tires on the car. The original four arms then moved in to bolt the tires in place. When the arms were clear, the light turned green and Candace sailed out of her pit box. "Hey, that was pretty good!" she shouted. "Baljeet, how long did I stop? And what's going on ahead?"

"Uh…" there was a pause as Baljeet crunched the numbers. "You were stopped for about two and a half seconds. You'll be six seconds behind Phineas and Isabella when you get back on the track."

"And what place does that put me in, exactly?" Candace asked impatiently.

"Eighth."

"What? That's it?" Her car was about to rejoin the track, so she floored the accelerator. "How am I going to beat the pants off these twerps if I'm down in eighth?"

"Well, no one else has pitted yet," Baljeet explained. "So you'll make up some ground when they come in for their tires."

Candace chuckled evilly. "Perfect." She glanced to her left when she saw something move in her mirror and was surprised to see Molly moving in for the pass as the pair ascended the first loop. "Oh no you don't!"

Molly was so focused on getting around Candace that she didn't notice that she was rapidly running out of track. She moved in for the pass, but her left tires went just slightly over the curb and her car slid sideways off the track. It came safely to a halt next to the loop, but the tires and suspension were too badly damaged for Molly to continue the race. She angrily yanked the steering wheel out from its mount so she could climb out of the car, then stomped off towards race control.

"Baljeet! I'd like to report a racing incident," Molly growled. "You can kick Candace out of the race for that, right?"

"Let me review the tapes," Baljeet said with a sigh. He was much more interested in crunching numbers than settling disputes, but that was all part of the territory. After a few minutes, he replied, "It looks like Candace did nothing illegal. You should have been more careful. Sorry."

"You're a jerk!" Molly shouted.

"There's chocolate milk up here in race control," Baljeet soothed.

The girl hung her head in defeat. "Fine. Be there in a few."

Meanwhile, Buford had made up some ground and was now racing against Ginger and Katie for second place. The bully wasn't really all that interested in a long, drawn out battle. He reached down and pulled out one of his shoes. After swinging it by the laces for a second, he let it fly at Katie. The young girl's helmet perceived the threat of the shoe and automatically inflated the safety bubble, deflecting the shoe harmlessly but also making it impossible for Katie to drive her car. She skidded to a halt just before the first banked turn. Unfortunately she was wedged in her car by the bubble, so Baljeet directed one of the robotic tow trucks to retrieve her from the track.

"That was a dirty trick, Buford!" Katie shouted into the radio.

"Eh, at least it wasn't one of my socks," came the reply.

"Buford!" Baljeet hollered into the headset, "As per Article 14 in the Formula PF rulebook, I hereby disqualify you from the race!"

"Oh, and what are you gonna do about it from up there in your box?" Buford challenged.

Baljeet looked down at his control panel. Several of the buttons were labeled with the drivers' names. He pressed the one labeled 'Buford' and watched the screen displaying Buford's helmet camera.

"Hey! Somethin's wrong with my car!" Buford shouted.

"I just switched off the engine remotely," Baljeet replied smugly. "You should be coming to a halt somewhere just out of the boundary of the track."

"Dude! I'm upside down!"

The Indian boy looked at the monitor again. Sure enough, Buford had been on the inverted section of the track. As his car slowed down, it peeled itself off the road as it lost all its downforce. It spun in the air a few times before hitting the ground, breaking apart upon impact and leaving Buford bouncing across the track a few times inside his safety bubble before coming to a halt near the fence.

"Hey, that was actually pretty fun," Buford said with a shrug. "Plus, giant hamster ball. I'd say it's a win-win for me." He began wheeling himself towards race control as the race continued above.

* * *

Perry had led Doofenshmirtz on a merry chase through the coffee house. The evil scientist had broken just about everything there was to break except the Decaffeinator-inator and the platypus he was desperately trying to hit. No matter how hard he tried, though, Perry was just too small a target.

Eventually Perry gave the doctor the slip by darting behind the counter. Doofenshmirtz hadn't seen where the platypus had gone, so he switched tactics. "Okay, Perry the Platypus. Go ahead and hide. But the longer you wait, the longer my Decaffeinator-inator will run." He let his voice rise in a taunting fashion and waited.

The secret agent tiptoed around the counter, then slipped alongside the Decaffeinator-inator, keeping his back pressed against it as he poked his head around the corner. Doofenshmirtz's hearing had been intensified by the caffeine, though, and as soon as Perry made his move the scientist was after him. "Take this, Perry the Platypus!" He clenched a fist and let loose a punch, which missed Perry by inches.

Unfortunately his fist went through the thin plastic plating of the Decaffeinator-inator. A shower of sparks sprayed Doofenshmirtz in the face as he tried to yank his arm out of his machine. "Oh, this is going to end badly."

Perry turned around one last time to look at his nemesis. He straightened his hat before walking out, the door's bell ringing behind him. "Wait, don't leave me stuck in here!" Doofenshmirtz pulled at his arm with all his strength. It finally came loose, hitting him in the jaw and causing him to stumble backwards.

He landed on the floor, and the shower of sparks stopped. "Oh, that wasn't so bad. Maybe this is my lucky d-" Before he finished his sentence, another jet of the white liquid caffeine sprayed him in the face. The scientist spluttered and waved his hands wildly, trying to ward off the stream.

Seconds later, a small fire broke out inside the Decaffeinator-inator. More sparks shot from the hole that Doofenshmirtz had created, then several small explosions blasted the entire machine apart. The caffeine spray had subsided, but the evil doctor's machine was no more.

The damage had been done to Doofenshmirtz, however. He sat up, then held his hand in front of his face. No matter how hard he tried to keep it steady, it shook almost continuously. "Huh. So t- t- that's what six t-t-thousand c-cups of c-c-coffee does to a p-person," he stuttered. His entire body started to shake, and he slowly vibrated his way across the floor uncontrollably.

"C-curse you, P-P-Perry the P-Platypus!" he shouted, trying to wave his fist in the air but not having much luck controlling his movements.

* * *

Candace had fought hard to work her way up through the ranks. While her teammate Jeremy was hovering in sixth, Candace had worked her way up to third. She was currently between Isabella ahead and Ginger behind. As the cars traversed the loop, Candace made her move on the younger girl in front. The two girls reached the apex of the loop, and Candace squeezed alongside Isabella on her right.

"I don't think so." Isabella tried to cut her off, but Candace was already through. Isabella tried to keep pace, but Candace was a woman on a mission.

"See you at the finish line!" Candace shouted with a wave. "Woo!" She pumped her fist into the air in triumph as she slowed down for the next turn.

With Isabella out of the way, there was only Ferb, who had led most of the race and only fell back to second when he pitted before Isabella. "Baljeet, how far away is Ferb?"

"You're almost fifteen seconds behind him," Baljeet replied. "But there are only five laps left."

Candace rolled her eyes. "Well how well am I doing compared to him?"

"You're almost a second a lap faster because you're on newer tires, but that won't be good enough."

"We'll see about that," the teen muttered. "Tell Ferb I'm coming for him!"

"What am I, your personal message boy?" Baljeet replied indignantly.

"Yes! Yes you are!" Candace snapped.

Baljeet sighed. "Fine."

Meanwhile, Ferb was having problems of his own. He was far enough ahead of everyone that he was getting stuck behind cars he was lapping. Right now he was trying to get around Phineas, but Ferb's tires were just bad enough that he was having a hard time finding an opportunity. Each time he made an attempt, Phineas would pull away as Ferb found himself off the ideal racing line.

Presently Baljeet cut into Ferb's concentration. "Candace says she's coming for you. You've got quite a lead, but she's a lot faster than you. Is Phineas giving you trouble?"

Ferb shook his head, which registered on his helmet cam.

"Well, if he's blocking you, let me know. Lapped cars aren't supposed to block, and I haven't doled out a penalty since Buford, and it feels good." Baljeet laughed a little more creepily than he had intended, and Ferb rolled his eyes and began focusing on maintaining his position. It was less important to get around Phineas than it was to make sure Candace didn't catch him.

Unfortunately Ferb was starting to feel the limitations of his tires. Every time he went around a corner, the tail of his car slid out a little further as the wheels lost their grip. And Candace full of determination and in a car that was in much better condition than Ferb's. It wouldn't be long before Candace was taking three seconds per lap out of his lead, then five, then maybe ten.

By the time the last lap came around, Candace was only four seconds behind her brother. He came screaming down the start/finish straight, then locked his brakes as he entered into the first turn, ruining his entrance into the corner. Candace took this chance to close the gap further, and as the two cars headed for the loop, the teen was hot on his tail.

"Candace, you're less than a second behind Ferb now," Baljeet announced. "But this is the last lap. You're on your own."

"I only need one lap," Candace growled. She felt herself slow as they reached the top of the loop, then floored the accelerator on the way down. Ferb moved to block expertly, but his sister was less than a car's length behind. She was glued to his rear wing as the two went around the banked right hand turn and into the next straight.

Another loop greeted them, and Candace was alongside Ferb now. The young boy had very little he could do at this point. He couldn't block her now that she was next to him, but if he could stay on the inside line he might be able to maintain his advantage.

As the duo spiraled through the corkscrew and made it to the upside down straight, they were practically neck and neck, with Candace on the right hand side of the track. Ferb had run out of luck, and his sister took the inside. They approached the right hand banked turn, and the teenager was able to slip ahead. A few seconds later they were across the line, Candace winning by just under half a second.

She pulled to the side of the track and popped her steering wheel out so she could climb from her car. Ferb did likewise, along with Isabella, Adyson, and the rest one at a time as they crossed the finish line. Candace jumped from her car and started waving her arms around wildly.

"First place! Best racer of the day!" she shouted. The kids began to applause, and Jeremy walked over to her and hoisted her up on his shoulders. As she waved her hands victoriously, the applause grew louder. "Thank you, thank you! I couldn't have done it if I wasn't so fantastic!"

The sound of a car pulling into the driveway echoed through the back yard, and Candace suddenly shushed everyone. "Wait a minute… Mom's home!" The teen grinned evilly. "I'm actually going to do what I said I was gonna do! I won the race AND I'm gonna bust my brothers!" She pointed forward towards the driveway. "Tally ho, Jeremy!"

"Are you sure about this, Candace?" he asked hesitantly.

"I've never been more sure! Let's go!"

Jeremy stumbled a few steps before righting himself and carrying Candace away on his shoulders. The rest of the kids continued to congratulate each other, and each shared their versions of the action. Baljeet joined them presently, bringing Buford, Katie, and Molly with him, and the new arrivals discussed their retirements in dramatic detail.

Suddenly from above, a long rope descended out of the blimp. A man in a suit began rappelling down out of it. "Hey," Phineas asked, "who's that?"

Buford shrugged. "Beats me."

Phineas turned to his brother. "I thought that was your blimp. I didn't put it up there." Ferb shrugged, and the man landed on the ground nearby.

"Hey kids!" the man shouted. "I'm Graham Mansell, world championship race car driver and all around magnificent human being." He smiled, and a small sparkle reflected off his tooth. "I was watching your race from my large, unmarked dirigible."

"Oh!" Phineas exclaimed. He looked to Ferb. "That explains it!" He shook hands with Graham and gestured towards the track. "It's very nice to meet you, sir! What did you think?"

"Well I thought it was absolutely brilliant," Graham replied. "In fact, I was wondering if you'd like to sell me your circuit!"

"Gee, I don't know…"

Ferb walked up next to his brother and put a hand on his shoulder. "I think we built something the whole world should enjoy."

Phineas smiled. "Ferb's right! Mr. Mansell, you can have the circuit free of charge!"

Graham sputtered a bit, then composed himself and smiled. "Free, huh? I'd better get a move on before you change your mind!"

"You should be able to lift it up in one piece," Phineas added. "We built it up on a platform so we wouldn't kill the grass."

"Sounds good to me, little man. And don't forget to watch me on TV!" He gave a tug to the rope he had descended on, and suddenly he was being reeled back up to his blimp. In seconds he was inside the door, and four more cables were fired from the sides of the blimp. They embedded themselves into the four corners of the circuit, and the entire platform began to rise as the blimp's engines went into overdrive.

"Goodbye, Mr. Mansell!" Phineas shouted. The whole group was waving as the entire circuit moved on beyond the horizon. Perry suddenly appeared alongside Phineas, and the young boy hoisted him into the air. "Oh, there you are Perry. You missed the big race!"

Perry chattered his regret.

"It was great! I didn't do so well, but Ferb and Candace fought it out until the very-" The gate into the backyard flew open, cutting Phineas short. Candace rode back in on Jeremy's shoulders, and Lawrence was carrying Linda daintily into the yard alongside them.

"See mom! Phineas and Ferb built a huge, dangerous racing circuit, and I won the race, and now that you're home I get to bust them!"

"Candace?" Linda asked.

"Yeah mom?"

"Take a look."

Candace closed her eyes. "I don't think I want to," she said through gritted teeth. She slowly turned her head and confronted the reality that met her every single day—whatever it was that Phineas and Ferb had built was long gone. "Ugh. Never mind, mom." She slid from Jeremy's back despondently.

"Hey kids!" Linda shouted across the yard.

"Hey Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher!" the guests answered.

"I'm guessing you guys are thirsty. Why don't you come on in for some lemonade?"

The entire group cheered and followed Lawrence and Linda in through the sliding doors. Candace leaned against the house, defeated.

"You could have at least backed me up, Jeremy," she muttered.

Jeremy smiled and grabbed her hand. "But would you really have wanted me to do that? You had fun too. Admit it."

She looked at him for a minute before letting herself be pulled upright again. "Yeah. I guess I did."

"So maybe just this once you could let it slide?" Jeremy smiled.

"I suppose I could." She led him towards the house. "Besides, I won the first and only Danville Grand Prix! I can bust them any day, but today I'm totally undefeated!" She cheered and threw her free hand into the air as the pair went inside for lemonade.


End file.
